"No Crowns Without the Cross"
By Missy Enaje
No victory comes easy. Decide what you want to be and go be it.
We all experience when life's inevitable highs and lows come crashing on us like waves in the ocean. For me, the tide was high when I got another glimpse of my what my dreams could look like.
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After entering a national competition for a reporting program at a top cable network, I was invited to their New York headquarters as one of the final 20 candidates. It was an experience I will never forget.
Relying on my faith, supportive peers and mentors, I felt mentally equipped for battle. When it came to picking stories to report about, I realized gruesome months in Medill's economics and business reporting classes paid off. I was game for dissecting numbers and verbally painting the bigger picture of what it all meant to the consumer. In those moments, not for one second did I doubt who I was or what I had to offer: a fresh, diverse perspective on news. Looking back, the only way to explain where the boost of self-esteem came from was from those folks pouring in prayer on my behalf. I was challenged but capable, cordial but confident. I was riding on cloud 9, but little did I know the crest was falling and that eventually gravity was calling.
Upon my return back home, my great inspiration, the woman who helped raise me into who I am today, my beloved grandmother was also called to return Home. I like to think that in her own special way, Lola helped bring home my sister and I around the same time in order to be with her during her final day on this side of heaven.
Boy, was my tide low.
While her passing has left a physical void, it will never be in vain. She now has a different way of whispering her gems of wisdom and sharing her sweet smile and sniff-sniff-kiss, where she would give you a kiss while simultaneously smelling you (they were the absolute best). One example is how my sister found a prayer novena dedicated to my brother when she was cleaning out his room after her passing. Lola was a powerful prayer warrior and I know she is the reason why my mother has such a strong faith and why I try to follow in their footsteps.
Lola also worked in education in the Philippines, so I would like to share with you what she's teaching me right now: how to be comfortable by truly being alone. Like an ocean wave, I am just trying to go with the flow of this concept and its true meaning. And you know what? Something in me is changing.
I must also acknowledge how I reached this point. A book entitled 33 Days to Morning Glory describes moments when grace will pour down on your life when you surrender it completely. I don't know how many days have passed since I read that particular part, but I wasn't sure how to grasp such an idea. Was grace about to transform my life somehow? What does it even mean and how would it transcend into my life? Well, let me say, while things have still been rough, grace is here.
I am even more confident in who I am and more importantly, in who I am not.
That doesn't mean my life is easier. Not at all. I guess now I am carrying my cross with confidence. Unsure of what it all means, but trying my hardest to fall into the depths of the new me whom God is revealing. I am falling into my brokenness if I am broken, allowing Him to shine light in the pieces. I am falling into my imperfections, because I am imperfect, and holding on tight to He who is Perfect, so that maybe somehow together He can show me where I can grow, show me how to love like Him, how to hurt like Him so I can try and be the one to love for Him.
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Upon my return back home, my great inspiration, the woman who helped raise me into who I am today, my beloved grandmother was also called to return Home. I like to think that in her own special way, Lola helped bring home my sister and I around the same time in order to be with her during her final day on this side of heaven.
Boy, was my tide low.
While her passing has left a physical void, it will never be in vain. She now has a different way of whispering her gems of wisdom and sharing her sweet smile and sniff-sniff-kiss, where she would give you a kiss while simultaneously smelling you (they were the absolute best). One example is how my sister found a prayer novena dedicated to my brother when she was cleaning out his room after her passing. Lola was a powerful prayer warrior and I know she is the reason why my mother has such a strong faith and why I try to follow in their footsteps.
Lola also worked in education in the Philippines, so I would like to share with you what she's teaching me right now: how to be comfortable by truly being alone. Like an ocean wave, I am just trying to go with the flow of this concept and its true meaning. And you know what? Something in me is changing.
I must also acknowledge how I reached this point. A book entitled 33 Days to Morning Glory describes moments when grace will pour down on your life when you surrender it completely. I don't know how many days have passed since I read that particular part, but I wasn't sure how to grasp such an idea. Was grace about to transform my life somehow? What does it even mean and how would it transcend into my life? Well, let me say, while things have still been rough, grace is here.
I am even more confident in who I am and more importantly, in who I am not.
That doesn't mean my life is easier. Not at all. I guess now I am carrying my cross with confidence. Unsure of what it all means, but trying my hardest to fall into the depths of the new me whom God is revealing. I am falling into my brokenness if I am broken, allowing Him to shine light in the pieces. I am falling into my imperfections, because I am imperfect, and holding on tight to He who is Perfect, so that maybe somehow together He can show me where I can grow, show me how to love like Him, how to hurt like Him so I can try and be the one to love for Him.
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"Your worth is not built on the approval or acceptance of another. You are the most strong when you love yourself and believe in yourself and forgive yourself completely. So that when you're meant to grow with a partner, you are strong enough and full enough and confident enough to give the most amazing thing you can ever give to someone - which is love." - Sadie F Baby
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