Thursday, August 3, 2023

How looking back at life can revitalize the vision for what lies ahead


This is a photo of two lovers
Falling in love is a feeling that many humans desire. (Courtesy of Pexels/ Jaspereology)

I was organizing some of my old diaries and gratitude journals when I realized I have been journaling for almost 20 years now. That's crazy! As part of my end-of-the-month ritual, I like to take inventory of how the month went, areas of improvement and reflection, that sort of thing. 

One of my close friends gave a bunch of us this "Gratitude journal" back in 2017. When I came across that journal, I saw something I wrote back then. It was that I wanted to believe in love again. DEEP!

I was thinking to myself about that time period in life (gosh, how can we honestly think past the pandemic that felt like 10 years crammed into one). I think what comes to mind was that I was still in a healing phase. I was powering through a really bad college breakup and finding solace in little flings here and there aka I wasn't healing and just distracting myself. 

2017 was a lot of things for me. I like symbols and signs and feel that sometimes God gives us signs and it's up to us to notice them. Anyways, the number 7 is a lucky number. It's a complete number as in everything is complete. I entered my 30's and I thought I was going to conquer the world. I was honing in on my woman-ness, my empowerment energy and just trying to prove to myself (and others, really) that I'm GOOD. People on the outside figured I was good, right? Goodness, such vanity, to put other people's view of me on a pedestal (COVID changed that perspective real quick). 

Well, if I'm being honest, I am pretty sure I wrote that I wanted to believe in love again and I meant it. It really did mean something bigger though, now looking back:

  • I wanted to really hone in on who I was
  • That would lead me to confidently choosing myself first
  • That would leave imposter syndrome in the dust
  • I ultimately wanted to fall in love with myself again and remember what that meant
That's because I was wasting so much time trying to be someone that everyone else expected of me.
  • The sexy, intelligent, independent young woman
  • The perfect sports journalist
  • Fun, exciting, spontaneous
  • No boundaries and easily influenced
Since that time, I can happily report that through tough work within myself, I am standing in those answered prayers! I love myself but not too much. I put myself first, but never forget God. Today, I am married in the sacrament, therefore love made a home in me and my husbands' hearts. For that, I am truly grateful and looking forward to what lies ahead. 

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